You are strong.
You deserve effortless, passionate love.
You matter.
Work hard and be kind today.
There’s this thing that some of us have inside us. It’s a kind of angst that doubles as raw, all-consuming pain. I think it comes from a deep yearning for something, something that almost seems unattainable. Will I ever find it? Will I be happy one day? This thing, this thing inside some of us, it was put there. It had to be.
Maybe it was left behind the first time I saw my Mom and Dad tearing each other apart at the top of their lungs. Or maybe it came with the scar my sister left on my thigh the time she beat me with that leather belt. Other times I wonder if it came from the times I made my little sister cry, pulling her hair and bruising her sweet, delicate arms. Why am I crying? It could have come from the time my father stomped his foot on my stomach. All the air left me and, maybe as I was gasping for life, I inhaled this thing. I could’ve put it there myself, too. All the years of self-loathing, of telling myself to be someone I wasn’t, something I didn’t want to be, maybe I left it there when I tried to be someone else, someone others wouldn’t hate. Maybe he put it there, left it behind after he forced himself onto me. The feelings of shame, disgust, and betrayal might have brought it with them along with the scalding, hot tears I shed on my best friend’s shoulder.
Heartbreak might have something to do with it. After all, when our hearts break something is taken from us and something is left behind, something empty. Maybe that’s it. So maybe he gave it to me the time he slept with another man and then again with me, when he stabbed me in the back. Or maybe he gave it to me when he said he couldn’t do it anymore, that the responsibility of another was too much. Maybe he left it inside me as a parting gift when he left me, broken. Or maybe he gave it to me when he, like my father, took the wind out of me, this time with a closed fist. But heartbreak comes in different ways. So I have to wonder…did my Mom put this thing inside me? Someone put it inside of her. Maybe she gave it to me the last time I looked her in the eyes, tears falling down her face, as she tried so hard to live, to leave. She left me empty. Maybe she tried to fill the void she left behind in me with this thing.
Maybe all of these things together, all of them, put this thing inside me. This thing that feeds on my insecurities, that keeps me awake at night and devours me from the inside out.
But maybe, maybe it’s not something inside of us. Maybe it’s something outside of us that has been taken away. Maybe that’s what we’re searching for, for the last piece of ourselves. The piece that will make it all okay. Will I ever find it?
Wrestling with the scars and memories we carry – Am curious to hear how you navigate and acknowledge and accept and fight with these lashes from the past.
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It’s difficult, isn’t it? But here’s the beginning to how I figured out where that missing piece was. Thanks for your support!
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Wow. That was compelling.
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Thanks so much! There’s a lot more coming. 🙂
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Heartbreaking and compelling – in your story I can already see bits of my own. It’s always a beautiful thing when someone can write their own story in such a way as to allow the reader to also learn something about themselves.
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Thanks so much Lex! I appreciate the support, and I’m so glad my words struck a chord. I hope that, once this work is out into the world, you see how important it is for all of us to find that piece/peace we need.
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I’ve come to know you over the course of, how long, a 2 years now? 2 and a half? And reading this leaves me wondering what you withheld. I know you’ve struggled and are still struggling. And as someone who considers us close friends, I can’t help but feel disappointed that I don’t know you as well as I thought. If this is a chance to get to know you in depth, possibly in a better way than through conversation, then I want to take that opportunity to read your story and have a better understanding of the experiences I’ve shared with you.
After reading this introduction, I’m captivated and curious to read more. You always have and always will have my unwavering support. Love you friend. ❤
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Teri – thank you so much for all the love and support you’ve always given me. I must admit, it’s not always easy just to share things like this in conversation. It’s also hard to know when it’s a good time to bring things like this up. They’re not the center of a party joke, you know? I’m so glad you’re joining me on this adventure. I would love to have you. Love you, always.
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We underestimate at the time how an experience can impress itself upon us long term, subconsciously influencing key decisions. I’m completely drawn in already and can’t wait to read more.
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Thank you so much, Sylvia. I would agree that, even when we don’t notice it, everything around us turns us into who we are, even if it takes a while to figure out who that is. I’m excited to have you join me on this ride!
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“Will I ever find it?”… An existential question to which so many of us can relate. It’s unfair the way hardships and trauma can steal our sense of purpose, our ability to receive love, and our ability to love ourselves. I really look forward to hearing the rest!
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“Will I ever find it?”… An existential question to which so many of us can relate. It’s unfair the way hardships and trauma can steal our sense of purpose, our ability to receive love, and our ability to love ourselves. I really look forward to hearing the rest!
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Hi Cory! Thank you so much. I definitely agree with you, but this will be a wild ride that will, hopefully, help answer that question for some of you. It helped me find the answer to it, and I’m sure it’ll be different for all of us, but my hope is that some of you are in turn, inspired. Thanks for joining the ride with me!
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Wow, you write with such raw emotion. That is every writer’s dream. I find myself wanting to read more of your story. You have a way of connecting with others. Of getting us to relate to your never ending questions of where the hole or emptiness comes from and how to ever fill it. We definitely relate and feel that same pain as you explain it. Please continue this journey and let us know when we can buy the book and read your full story. Love it. Well done.
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Hi there! Thank you SO much for your kind words. This is exactly the kind of feedback I need to keep doing what I love to do. I’m so glad my words captured your emotions the way I hoped they would. Don’t forget to follow my blog to get updates for what’s to come. I’m so happy to have you!
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You are very welcome. I have definitely followed your blog. I am now a huge fan. I cannot wait to read more of your stuff.
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I love the way you make the simplest words sound so deep, how you turn them into something so deep. You let people feel your pain by just reading your stories and that amazes me. It’s rare. I can’t wait to read more!
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Hi Nick! Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m excited and can’t wait for all of you to read more as well!
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What a simple yet emotional writing. It’s really good! I guess we’re all broken somehow so we’ll understand each other better. Searching for the other half of us isn’t easy, but time will heal, and time will tell.
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Hi there – thank you so much for your kind comment. I’m so happy you can appreciate the words I’ve written, and that you find a connection to them. Please stay tuned for more!
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Love it! Congrats! 🙂 Would love to read any drafts if you’re still looking for peeps to send it to. Always been inspired by your story, grateful I got to work with you and excited for you to share with the world! ❤
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Vivian! It was an incredible summer working with you. You’re a beautiful soul. Thank you for your kind words, I’m excited to continue on in this process and, hopefully soon, have a finished product in hand. Thank you, thank you! Stay tuned for more. 🙂
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Loved the paperback style of presentation, really makes the content feel so much powerful, well written indeed.
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Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback. I am hopeful my work will captivate readers!
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